cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
