Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
