okay pat passed out under dana's car
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
