It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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