My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
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