Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
