WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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