i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
