at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
