....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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