Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
