you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
You ate ashes out of my bong
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
