Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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