Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
