I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
