Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
