So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
