There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Just invented taco cereal.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
