Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
