You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
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