and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
