sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
