I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Randomize
