John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Randomize
