so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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