Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Randomize
