I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
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