Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
