he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
