wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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