I think my vagina is haunted
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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