Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
