i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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