she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
So much Jack, so little girl.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
