She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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