im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
