I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
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