I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
