Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
