I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I got inside last night via doggy door
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
