i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
