The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
