I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
