If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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