Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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