I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
