my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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