Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
