I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Randomize
