literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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