I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
