Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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