do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
You're a waste of cheezeits
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
