so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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