I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
